I think I owe my project and myself to be honest about why and what.

Why am I doing this?

Why is it so conflicting to me to talk sometimes about my project?

What am I reflecting with this project? What is it mirroring that sometimes hurts too much to see?

Perhaps the first, simplest, smallest, most urgent act of resistance each of us can take is to make our lists. Sit. Think. Write. Let yourself feel it. Allow yourself the rage of realising that there are more and more and more moments you’d forgotten – lost or stolen from you by the indifference of passers-by or the dismissal of those you loved and trusted. Let yourself reclaim them. Let yourself see this as a whole, each experience part of a bigger story.

Bates, Laura. Fix the System, Not the Women, Simon & Schuster, Limited, 2022.

This quote from Laura Bates made me feel so much. The anger, oh, the anger coming through.

But the anger is also tiring, what if I just want to be completely ignorant and thrive through ignorance? Is that even possible?

Through this creative process of asking and questioning so many times the purpose of my actions and the meaning of my words.

What do you want to say? What do you want people to understand?

So I make the list:

• I was 5 and left alone by my parents at my uncle’s house.
• I was 18 and my friend from school called me saying that my exboyfriend got into her bed one night but she was not worried about him doing that, just about what i could think about that
• I was 20 and my mom told me not to fight to people who catcalled me in the streets
• I was 21 and my friends didn’t tell me this guy had my pictures without my consent.
• I was 22 and was with my friend when she found out a guy had her pictures without consent. Held her hand.
• I was 24 and my exbofriend once again forced himself to another friend. People still talk to him.
• A woman working in Law. A joke.
• A woman studying Arts. A waste.
• British boyfriend. Looking for the passport, right?

Fuck.

As I kept on navigating all of the emotion this makes me feel, I realized: I am doing this project for myself. For what I need to heal, for what probably I will never heal. For the anger, for the sadness, for the power, for the fear, for the love and for me.